1539966730This week I learned a few things about Excel. Now, coming from someone who was convinced Bill Gates invented Excel (what? You think that’s funny? Why would I think anyone else could have possibly invented Excel?), this is a pretty big deal. You see, Excel is like a cult around here. There are some people who can use Excel for insanely complicated financial modeling…without using their mouse. That’s right – they can build a whole spreadsheet, mouse-free. A fellow in my Learning Team actually calls entering data into Excel “hand jamming” which I guess means you’re really, really rocking when you work in Excel.  We here at Darden use Excel ALL THE TIME, as you might expect, for our quantitative classes. I literally create at least 2 spreadsheets per day, if not more. Keep in mind, I’m an English major who speaks words, not numbers. Words can rollick and gambol and saunter down a page, languishing and going at their own pace, unworried about having to fit into restrictively itty bitty cells or conform to mathematical standards. Words can fraternize with all sorts of pleasing punctuation (! ; &), while numbers have to stand resolutely next to those harsh – + = signs.

My small, small Excel triumph this week was to make my first if statement. A (grossly oversimplified) if statement works something like this: IF you are asking a simple mathematical question, AND the answer is dependent on another variable, THEN the answer is XX value.  I think my first if statement (no, I haven’t had it framed, but it’s immortalized here in blog-land, isn’t that enough?) was as follows:

=IF($I$54-$J$54),0,((G50*($G$54+$H$47))/$C$52,$K$46*($J$48-I47)

Isn’t that just so impressive? I was tickled….especially when it calculated what it was supposed to calculate. I really think I should have gotten a free ice cream cone or something as a reward. Awww, Baby’s First If-Statement. Cuters.

In any case, a fellow Section B classmate mentioned after a rowdy Thursday night out – “If you’re spilling more of your drink than you’re drinking because you’re swaying so much, it’s time to go home.” Hilarity ensued as we all agreed, yes, that’s a clear indicator of go-home time. The whole thing got me thinking… what sort of other Darden if statements can be made? A quick classroom poll (don’t worry, this was before class, not during) revealed a few others….

 IF(found unattended after 2AM), please return to….

IF(you have an accountant on your Learning Team), always feed them well so they help you…

IF(you don’t have at least 20 companies on your internship-search list), you are way, way, WAY behind and must add more ASAP…

IF(you live in Ivy Gardens), there will always be someone cabbing it to or from the action…

Then, conversely, there are the negative if statements:

IF(party boy), not necessarily play boy…

IF(loan check hasn’t arrived), no food for you…

It’s pretty amusing. And, if you’re reading this right when I posted it at 10:32 on Friday night, then yes, you guessed it – I’m home catching up on work and studying.  Going out on the town is for smart kids who already can mouse-free hand-jam in Excel…

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